One Size Does Not Fit All

I don't know about you, but I HATE wasting anything. I hate wasting food, I hate wasting money, but most of all I hate wasting my time or my energy.  Your TIME and your ENERGY are your most valuable commodities, so it's vital to know what your kid's love language is if you are not going to waste your time and energy.  I wanted to be intentional at filling my kid's love tank, while expending the least amount of energy. 

My daughter was age nine when I realized that her love languages were gifts and acts of service, the two love languages that I am the weakest in.  My youngest son's love language was quality time.  One of the worst punishments that I could ever give my youngest child was grounding him from seeing his friends.

My middle son's love language was physical touch.  One of the ways that I figured out what their love languages were - I took each child out to lunch individually and asked them a series of questions. 

I understand that as your children are developing and growing it might be difficult to completely figure out what their love languages are, but pay attention to what makes them light up.

Read the book: "The five Love Languages of Children" By: Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.

It is also vital that you know your child's personality type.  I know that there are plenty of different personality books out there, but the one that I like the most is the D.I.S.C. taught by Pastor John Fichtner.  Being a Psychology minor in college I was exposed to  several forms of teaching on personality type, but the reason I like Pastor John's is that he is the only one that teaches  you what the battle is for each personality type. He also lets you know what the curses are for each personality type.   You can listen online by going to: http://www.libertychurch.org/. It helped me SO much when it came to understanding my kids.  My daughter is an "I"/"C" type personality.  She was my biggest challenge in trying to figure out.  The I/C is double intense and double fragile.

My middle son TJ is "D"/"S"  He is a Doer, Driver, Direct, Dominate, personality.  With this personality type, negative punishments do not work.  They are goal oriented, so the way that you shape and mold their character is by using a totally different parenting strategy. For a "D" personality you:

AGREE ON A GOAL AND TEST A METHOD. Here is what that looks like practically speaking and an example of what we did:

Parenting Strategy for raising “D” kids - Agree on a Goal and Test a Method.

TJ’s character goal - Peaceful and Easy Going vs. Argumentative and Headstrong!

TJ’s physical reward - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.

1. Not to disagree, argue, or have a bad attitude for thirty days.

2. Agreed upon goal - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.

3. Time frame: Depends on TJ. Perfect record, TJ will get his gun February 14th, Valentines Day! He is allowed three strikes each day before he loses a day. That means that the date moves back a day. If the date goes past February 19th, he can no longer reach his goal of earning the gun.

4. Mom and Dad will determine what words, actions, or attitudes constitute a strike. If TJ argues about a strike, another strike will be added on.

5. If TJ loses so many strikes that he is unable to obtain the gun by February 19th, then he does not get the gun at all. This allows him 15 strikes in a 30 day period.

TJ, may I suggest you begin each day by asking the Power of God to enable you to rotate it to “S”? You are an awesome kid and I know with God’s help you will reach your goal.

Contract Signed By:

Tim Shedd _____________________________

TJ Shedd ______________________________

Naomi Shedd ___________________________

Offer expires February 19, 2002

Oh, by the way, he did get his Airsoft gun, but the more important gift was his mom learned how to TRAIN her "D" son using methods that actually work. We were big on using contracts in the teen years.  I have a file in my computer designated to various contracts to apply to various situations. 

Here are a few more ideas for creative punishments: 

1. TJ  - Agree on a goal and test a method: Example: Brag water backpack. (To earn camel back.)

2. Take away Amanda’s favorite jeans.

3. Take away new shoes.

4. No computer, email, instant message.

5. No phone.

6. Pay money.

7. Read One-Year Bible with Mom for one month. (I like this one.)

This blog concludes this series on Discipline and Punishments, so in summary here is what we covered:

The TOOLS of Consistency:


From ages 1-6 punishment was pretty cut and dry. I used the swat chart to correct my children. On a good day I would read the corresponding scripture before administering the rod of correction. On an average day I would just identify the offense, check for how many swats that offense accounted for and again administer the rod of correction. On a bad day I was too selfish and lazy to correct my children despite their misbehavior.

How much I LOVE my children is directly related to how consistently I correct them when they have done wrong (Proverbs 13:24).

Ages 7-12 We moved into the non -spanking, negative reinforcement. I moved more into the discipline and training of my children. This is when it takes more effort on Tim and I to "always have a punishment in our back pocket.”

Ages 13–18: We moved into the TRAINING era of developing our children. This is the toughest area of parenting, because we have to grow up. This is mutual respect and mutual accountability. This is when we begin the process of transferring authority to our children.

Tomorrow's blog is entitled: "Relinquish Control or Die"

Forever your biggest fan,
Naomi

Always Have a Punishment in Your Back Pocket

I would like to dedicate my first blog to Candra Ryan Georgi who provided the words of encouragement and the inspiration to start this blog.  I truly admire this new generation of mothers.  So this one's for you Candra.


Unlike us Baby Boomer parents, this generation is much more humble and teachable than we were.  The Boomers were really messed up in many ways. They had a lot against them, and it’s no wonder many of their lives turned out so poorly. Boomers acted like they had it all together, whereas the Generation X-ers and Millennium's are quick to admit,  "Hey, we don't have it all together and we would really appreciate some help and input."  That is why I believe they are going to be much more successful than the Baby Boomers were when it comes to their marriages and parenting.  They also understand the painful effects of  divorce, so they will be more apt to fight for their marriages than the Boomers were.  In many ways they have a greater ambition of making it work, because they have seen it fail so many times. We know more about how to make marriage work today than we ever have in human history. I believe the tide is changing with the Generation X and Millennium generation now being part of the largest divorce generation. They are now saying, “WE don’t want that to happen to us, so what will it take?  I don’t want to make divorce an option, so what do I have to do?"  Divorce, doesn’t come upon you suddenly, it usually happens to people growing apart from each other. But you have to be INTENTIONAL about your marriage, and your parenting.

More about marriage later,  this blog is on parenting.

Parenting Strategy 101

Tim and I have a saying:  “Always have a punishment in your back pocket.”  The bible tells us that the degree that we CONSISTENTLY discipline our children is the degree that we love them.  The only strategy that we know that enables us to fulfill that challenge of consistent discipline is by always being ready with a punishment.  In fact often times we will warn our children before we ask them to do something.  We will say:  “Now I’m going to ask you to do something and I want you to know that how you respond to that request will determine weather you go to hang out night. Have so and so over, or are grounded for the next week etc…” If you are cheerfully obedient then your privileges will remain in tact.  However if you choose to sigh, roll your eyes or complain then you have decided to forfeit your privilege for pain. 

"Always have a punishment in your back pocket." When it comes to discipline, consistency is the key.  With three kids all two years apart it took being intentional in order to stay one step ahead of them.  This was one of the "tools of the trade" that we used to help us remain consistent in our discipline. It was clear and concise and  allowed us to discipline calmly, quickly, easily and fairly.  I had a punishment wall that this was taped to that I could just go to and read what the designated punishment for the crime should be.  For example: If TJ hit Tyler, he would get three swats, but if Tyler "started it", he would get one swat.  So both kids would get punished for whatever crime they committed. 

THE SWAT CHART

CAUSING TROUBLE/DISCORD - 1 SWAT (taunting, teasing, badgering, "starting it", bullying around, etc. (Proverbs 6: 19)

ARGUING - 3 SWATS (arguing with each other, arguing with adults, verbal fighting etc. (Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 16:32)

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR - 3 SWATS (hitting, biting, kicking, pushing, elbowing, anything with the intent to hurt, etc. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

NAME CALLING - 2 SWATS (Calling a person by a name other than his or her own that is not complimentary. (James 3:1-12, Proverbs 6:12, Ephesians 4:31)

DISRESPECT OR DISOBEDIENCE - 3 SWATS (Verbal or non -verbal "back talk", not doing what you are told to do or doing it with a "BAD ATTITUDE", etc. (Ephesians 6:1-3)

LYING - 3 SWATS (Proverbs: 12:22)

MURMURING OR COMPLAINING - 2 SWATS
No - "But mom", "No ma'am" or "Please no" comments. (Philippians 2: 14)

The TOOLS of Consistency

From ages 1-8 punishment was pretty cut and dry. I used the swat chart to correct my children. On a good day, I would read the corresponding scripture before administering the rod of correction. On an average day, I would just identify the offense, check for how many swats that offense incurred and again administer the rod of correction. On a bad day, I was too selfish and lazy to correct my children despite their misbehavior.

How much I LOVE my children is directly related to how consistently I correct them when they have done wrong. (Proverbs 13:24)

When I spanked, I chose to use a 5 gallon paint stirrer.  They were free and I had them everywhere - in my van, downstairs, upstairs.  They were easy access.  But to be honest, if you are consistent in the earlier years, you really do not have to use them much at all. 

So this was my parenting strategy for ages 1- 8. Tomorrow I will post my discipline strategy for ages 9 - 12.

Cheering you on,

Mama Shedd