I don't know about you, but I HATE wasting anything. I hate wasting food, I hate wasting money, but most of all I hate wasting my time or my energy. Your TIME and your ENERGY are your most valuable commodities, so it's vital to know what your kid's love language is if you are not going to waste your time and energy. I wanted to be intentional at filling my kid's love tank, while expending the least amount of energy.
My daughter was age nine when I realized that her love languages were gifts and acts of service, the two love languages that I am the weakest in. My youngest son's love language was quality time. One of the worst punishments that I could ever give my youngest child was grounding him from seeing his friends.
My middle son's love language was physical touch. One of the ways that I figured out what their love languages were - I took each child out to lunch individually and asked them a series of questions.
I understand that as your children are developing and growing it might be difficult to completely figure out what their love languages are, but pay attention to what makes them light up.
Read the book: "The five Love Languages of Children" By: Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.
It is also vital that you know your child's personality type. I know that there are plenty of different personality books out there, but the one that I like the most is the D.I.S.C. taught by Pastor John Fichtner. Being a Psychology minor in college I was exposed to several forms of teaching on personality type, but the reason I like Pastor John's is that he is the only one that teaches you what the battle is for each personality type. He also lets you know what the curses are for each personality type. You can listen online by going to: http://www.libertychurch.org/. It helped me SO much when it came to understanding my kids. My daughter is an "I"/"C" type personality. She was my biggest challenge in trying to figure out. The I/C is double intense and double fragile.
My middle son TJ is "D"/"S" He is a Doer, Driver, Direct, Dominate, personality. With this personality type, negative punishments do not work. They are goal oriented, so the way that you shape and mold their character is by using a totally different parenting strategy. For a "D" personality you:
AGREE ON A GOAL AND TEST A METHOD. Here is what that looks like practically speaking and an example of what we did:
Parenting Strategy for raising “D” kids - Agree on a Goal and Test a Method.
TJ’s character goal - Peaceful and Easy Going vs. Argumentative and Headstrong!
TJ’s physical reward - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.
1. Not to disagree, argue, or have a bad attitude for thirty days.
2. Agreed upon goal - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.
3. Time frame: Depends on TJ. Perfect record, TJ will get his gun February 14th, Valentines Day! He is allowed three strikes each day before he loses a day. That means that the date moves back a day. If the date goes past February 19th, he can no longer reach his goal of earning the gun.
4. Mom and Dad will determine what words, actions, or attitudes constitute a strike. If TJ argues about a strike, another strike will be added on.
5. If TJ loses so many strikes that he is unable to obtain the gun by February 19th, then he does not get the gun at all. This allows him 15 strikes in a 30 day period.
TJ, may I suggest you begin each day by asking the Power of God to enable you to rotate it to “S”? You are an awesome kid and I know with God’s help you will reach your goal.
Contract Signed By:
Tim Shedd _____________________________
TJ Shedd ______________________________
Naomi Shedd ___________________________
Offer expires February 19, 2002
Oh, by the way, he did get his Airsoft gun, but the more important gift was his mom learned how to TRAIN her "D" son using methods that actually work. We were big on using contracts in the teen years. I have a file in my computer designated to various contracts to apply to various situations.
Here are a few more ideas for creative punishments:
1. TJ - Agree on a goal and test a method: Example: Brag water backpack. (To earn camel back.)
2. Take away Amanda’s favorite jeans.
3. Take away new shoes.
4. No computer, email, instant message.
5. No phone.
6. Pay money.
7. Read One-Year Bible with Mom for one month. (I like this one.)
This blog concludes this series on Discipline and Punishments, so in summary here is what we covered:
The TOOLS of Consistency:
From ages 1-6 punishment was pretty cut and dry. I used the swat chart to correct my children. On a good day I would read the corresponding scripture before administering the rod of correction. On an average day I would just identify the offense, check for how many swats that offense accounted for and again administer the rod of correction. On a bad day I was too selfish and lazy to correct my children despite their misbehavior.
How much I LOVE my children is directly related to how consistently I correct them when they have done wrong (Proverbs 13:24).
Ages 7-12 We moved into the non -spanking, negative reinforcement. I moved more into the discipline and training of my children. This is when it takes more effort on Tim and I to "always have a punishment in our back pocket.”
Ages 13–18: We moved into the TRAINING era of developing our children. This is the toughest area of parenting, because we have to grow up. This is mutual respect and mutual accountability. This is when we begin the process of transferring authority to our children.
Tomorrow's blog is entitled: "Relinquish Control or Die"
Forever your biggest fan,
Naomi
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Why the Name: "Professional Parenting"
A few months ago, my middle son TJ came home from work, handed me a set of motivational CDs that he had been listening to and said,
TJ: "You should listen to these you would like them."
Mom: "Really, why is that?"
TJ: "Because he talks about a bunch of stuff that you are always telling us."
Mom: "Really, like what?"
TJ: "Like you know how you are always telling us to live in the moment and don't be texting all the time and how you are always taking pictures and how you are always setting goals. You do what he tells us to do in business, except you just do it in parenting."
Mom: "That's really funny that you would say that TJ, because I have been thinking about writing a book called "Professional Parenting" with the subtitle: "The Business Man's Guide to Parenting."
TJ: "I think you should write it."
So that is how the name of this blog came to be. I have it on my list to co-author a book by that title with John Maxwell. I'm not naive to the fact that most of the parenting books that are purchased are purchased by wives who then try to coerce their husbands into reading them. The "following" on this blog confirms that it's the women who are doing the reading on parenting. As far as I know, I don't have any men following my blog. However, if a book was written about parenting that the man could use the principals in his business as well as in his parenting, then perhaps more men would be more interested in reading that book.
OK enough about the title. Today I would like to talk to you about the importance of setting goals in your parenting. It is my belief that the days of passive parenting are a thing of the past. I don't believe you can be passive in your training and have your kids survive this sin-filled culture. My personality type "D" enables me to keep my eye on a goal for a very long time.
I had 3 goals in mind as my kids were growing up:
1. The importance of the power of the tongue.
2. How to resolve conflict.
3. The importance of guarding their innocence.
The power of the tongue.
The Bible is very clear about the power of speech to do great good or evil. Here, words are described as having the power of life and death--the power to build somebody up or tear them down. The power of the tongue should not be underestimated. Proverbs 18:21 - "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. "Eat" what? You will either eat the fruit of life or you will eat the fruit of death, depending on how you speak. Each day you are given a choice as to whether you are going to float your tongue in the river of life or the river of death. CHOOSE LIFE!
This is a lesson that all 3 of my kids have learned well. Very rarely will you ever hear them speak negatively about themselves or others. They understand the power to speak verbal blessings. Another reason I know that my kids "got this one" is because now that my kids are grown, I will sometimes relax my "guard". Just the other day I said something that was not positive in nature and my son said, "I can't believe you spoke that curse over my life." So yeah, I think all three of my kids got that one.
How to Resolve Conflict:
This is probably the one that I put the most effort into helping them learn, because I feel that if someone has good conflict resolution skills they will be successful in every area of their life. They will be successful in their marriage, they will be successful in their jobs. Since many times the reason someone gets fired is not because they can't do the work, but rather because they can't get a long with people. The training tool that I used to teach them how to be good at Conflict Resolution is Pastor John Fichtner's teaching series: "Conflict Resolution". You can listen to this series online if you would like by going to http://www.libertychurch.org/. Tim and I also tried to lead by example, by allowing our kids to observe how Tim and I worked to come to agreement when making decisions. Being good at conflict resolution requires people to be teachable and humble. Remember a humble person "WANTS TRUTH MORE THAN THEY WANT TO BE RIGHT." I have seen my kids resolve conflict over the years in a healthy manner, so I know that they got this principal as well. My youngest son was in a band when he was 15 - 16. Being in a band and working with 5 other families provided him with many opportunities for implementing his conflict resolution skills. Now whether they choose to apply what they know is another matter all together, but at least they have the knowledge of HOW to resolve conflict properly.
The importance of guarding your innocence:
In today's sin-filled culture you are looked at as weird if you even attempt to guard your innocence. What I tried to communicate to my kids is you are not weird for trying to guard your innocence, but you are rare and valuable.
For our 25th wedding anniversary, my wonderful husband bought me a beautiful diamond ring. I would hold up that ring and ask my kids, "Why is this diamond so valuable?" After many guesses we would come to the conclusion that what makes things valuable is how rare they are. One way we decided to protect their innocence was by purchasing a Clearplay DVD player. Its a DVD player that filters out the sex, cussing, and excessive violence. That way we can enjoy a movie without having to lay aside Biblical principals for the sake of "entertainment". During the teen years they did not feel like they were current and up on movies, so our compromise was Clearplay. Good leadership is being able to come up with options that everyone is pleased with. Now that my kids are adults, I don't always agree with their media choices but its their lives and they will have to live with the choices they make. It's my hope that the filth of this world will be distasteful to them and they will return to guarding their innocence once again. Don't get me wrong, their media choices are probably much like the average Christian Joe's media choices and my standards are looked at by others as "weird", but to me I find them very valuable.
So in conclusion, I would like to challenge you to start thinking about what goals you would like to achieve as parents. What would you like for your children to leave your home with when they move out, and what tools are you going to implement in order for you to reach those goals?
One other side note: It's vital that you understand that you can make goals all you want, but unless your son or daughter sees the benefit of that goal, they will be YOUR goals, NOT THEIR GOALS. One thing about generation X-ers and the Millennium generation is they don't do anything unless you show them how it will BENEFIT them. So not only is it important to come up with the goals, but even more important is communicating to your teens how adopting these goals for themselves will BENEFIT THEM.
Tomorrow I promise to write about creative punishments for teenagers and I will also share the number one thing that teens want.
TJ: "You should listen to these you would like them."
Mom: "Really, why is that?"
TJ: "Because he talks about a bunch of stuff that you are always telling us."
Mom: "Really, like what?"
TJ: "Like you know how you are always telling us to live in the moment and don't be texting all the time and how you are always taking pictures and how you are always setting goals. You do what he tells us to do in business, except you just do it in parenting."
Mom: "That's really funny that you would say that TJ, because I have been thinking about writing a book called "Professional Parenting" with the subtitle: "The Business Man's Guide to Parenting."
TJ: "I think you should write it."
So that is how the name of this blog came to be. I have it on my list to co-author a book by that title with John Maxwell. I'm not naive to the fact that most of the parenting books that are purchased are purchased by wives who then try to coerce their husbands into reading them. The "following" on this blog confirms that it's the women who are doing the reading on parenting. As far as I know, I don't have any men following my blog. However, if a book was written about parenting that the man could use the principals in his business as well as in his parenting, then perhaps more men would be more interested in reading that book.
OK enough about the title. Today I would like to talk to you about the importance of setting goals in your parenting. It is my belief that the days of passive parenting are a thing of the past. I don't believe you can be passive in your training and have your kids survive this sin-filled culture. My personality type "D" enables me to keep my eye on a goal for a very long time.
I had 3 goals in mind as my kids were growing up:
1. The importance of the power of the tongue.
2. How to resolve conflict.
3. The importance of guarding their innocence.
The power of the tongue.
The Bible is very clear about the power of speech to do great good or evil. Here, words are described as having the power of life and death--the power to build somebody up or tear them down. The power of the tongue should not be underestimated. Proverbs 18:21 - "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. "Eat" what? You will either eat the fruit of life or you will eat the fruit of death, depending on how you speak. Each day you are given a choice as to whether you are going to float your tongue in the river of life or the river of death. CHOOSE LIFE!
This is a lesson that all 3 of my kids have learned well. Very rarely will you ever hear them speak negatively about themselves or others. They understand the power to speak verbal blessings. Another reason I know that my kids "got this one" is because now that my kids are grown, I will sometimes relax my "guard". Just the other day I said something that was not positive in nature and my son said, "I can't believe you spoke that curse over my life." So yeah, I think all three of my kids got that one.
How to Resolve Conflict:
This is probably the one that I put the most effort into helping them learn, because I feel that if someone has good conflict resolution skills they will be successful in every area of their life. They will be successful in their marriage, they will be successful in their jobs. Since many times the reason someone gets fired is not because they can't do the work, but rather because they can't get a long with people. The training tool that I used to teach them how to be good at Conflict Resolution is Pastor John Fichtner's teaching series: "Conflict Resolution". You can listen to this series online if you would like by going to http://www.libertychurch.org/. Tim and I also tried to lead by example, by allowing our kids to observe how Tim and I worked to come to agreement when making decisions. Being good at conflict resolution requires people to be teachable and humble. Remember a humble person "WANTS TRUTH MORE THAN THEY WANT TO BE RIGHT." I have seen my kids resolve conflict over the years in a healthy manner, so I know that they got this principal as well. My youngest son was in a band when he was 15 - 16. Being in a band and working with 5 other families provided him with many opportunities for implementing his conflict resolution skills. Now whether they choose to apply what they know is another matter all together, but at least they have the knowledge of HOW to resolve conflict properly.
The importance of guarding your innocence:
In today's sin-filled culture you are looked at as weird if you even attempt to guard your innocence. What I tried to communicate to my kids is you are not weird for trying to guard your innocence, but you are rare and valuable.
For our 25th wedding anniversary, my wonderful husband bought me a beautiful diamond ring. I would hold up that ring and ask my kids, "Why is this diamond so valuable?" After many guesses we would come to the conclusion that what makes things valuable is how rare they are. One way we decided to protect their innocence was by purchasing a Clearplay DVD player. Its a DVD player that filters out the sex, cussing, and excessive violence. That way we can enjoy a movie without having to lay aside Biblical principals for the sake of "entertainment". During the teen years they did not feel like they were current and up on movies, so our compromise was Clearplay. Good leadership is being able to come up with options that everyone is pleased with. Now that my kids are adults, I don't always agree with their media choices but its their lives and they will have to live with the choices they make. It's my hope that the filth of this world will be distasteful to them and they will return to guarding their innocence once again. Don't get me wrong, their media choices are probably much like the average Christian Joe's media choices and my standards are looked at by others as "weird", but to me I find them very valuable.
So in conclusion, I would like to challenge you to start thinking about what goals you would like to achieve as parents. What would you like for your children to leave your home with when they move out, and what tools are you going to implement in order for you to reach those goals?
One other side note: It's vital that you understand that you can make goals all you want, but unless your son or daughter sees the benefit of that goal, they will be YOUR goals, NOT THEIR GOALS. One thing about generation X-ers and the Millennium generation is they don't do anything unless you show them how it will BENEFIT them. So not only is it important to come up with the goals, but even more important is communicating to your teens how adopting these goals for themselves will BENEFIT THEM.
Tomorrow I promise to write about creative punishments for teenagers and I will also share the number one thing that teens want.
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