One Size Does Not Fit All

I don't know about you, but I HATE wasting anything. I hate wasting food, I hate wasting money, but most of all I hate wasting my time or my energy.  Your TIME and your ENERGY are your most valuable commodities, so it's vital to know what your kid's love language is if you are not going to waste your time and energy.  I wanted to be intentional at filling my kid's love tank, while expending the least amount of energy. 

My daughter was age nine when I realized that her love languages were gifts and acts of service, the two love languages that I am the weakest in.  My youngest son's love language was quality time.  One of the worst punishments that I could ever give my youngest child was grounding him from seeing his friends.

My middle son's love language was physical touch.  One of the ways that I figured out what their love languages were - I took each child out to lunch individually and asked them a series of questions. 

I understand that as your children are developing and growing it might be difficult to completely figure out what their love languages are, but pay attention to what makes them light up.

Read the book: "The five Love Languages of Children" By: Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.

It is also vital that you know your child's personality type.  I know that there are plenty of different personality books out there, but the one that I like the most is the D.I.S.C. taught by Pastor John Fichtner.  Being a Psychology minor in college I was exposed to  several forms of teaching on personality type, but the reason I like Pastor John's is that he is the only one that teaches  you what the battle is for each personality type. He also lets you know what the curses are for each personality type.   You can listen online by going to: http://www.libertychurch.org/. It helped me SO much when it came to understanding my kids.  My daughter is an "I"/"C" type personality.  She was my biggest challenge in trying to figure out.  The I/C is double intense and double fragile.

My middle son TJ is "D"/"S"  He is a Doer, Driver, Direct, Dominate, personality.  With this personality type, negative punishments do not work.  They are goal oriented, so the way that you shape and mold their character is by using a totally different parenting strategy. For a "D" personality you:

AGREE ON A GOAL AND TEST A METHOD. Here is what that looks like practically speaking and an example of what we did:

Parenting Strategy for raising “D” kids - Agree on a Goal and Test a Method.

TJ’s character goal - Peaceful and Easy Going vs. Argumentative and Headstrong!

TJ’s physical reward - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.

1. Not to disagree, argue, or have a bad attitude for thirty days.

2. Agreed upon goal - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.

3. Time frame: Depends on TJ. Perfect record, TJ will get his gun February 14th, Valentines Day! He is allowed three strikes each day before he loses a day. That means that the date moves back a day. If the date goes past February 19th, he can no longer reach his goal of earning the gun.

4. Mom and Dad will determine what words, actions, or attitudes constitute a strike. If TJ argues about a strike, another strike will be added on.

5. If TJ loses so many strikes that he is unable to obtain the gun by February 19th, then he does not get the gun at all. This allows him 15 strikes in a 30 day period.

TJ, may I suggest you begin each day by asking the Power of God to enable you to rotate it to “S”? You are an awesome kid and I know with God’s help you will reach your goal.

Contract Signed By:

Tim Shedd _____________________________

TJ Shedd ______________________________

Naomi Shedd ___________________________

Offer expires February 19, 2002

Oh, by the way, he did get his Airsoft gun, but the more important gift was his mom learned how to TRAIN her "D" son using methods that actually work. We were big on using contracts in the teen years.  I have a file in my computer designated to various contracts to apply to various situations. 

Here are a few more ideas for creative punishments: 

1. TJ  - Agree on a goal and test a method: Example: Brag water backpack. (To earn camel back.)

2. Take away Amanda’s favorite jeans.

3. Take away new shoes.

4. No computer, email, instant message.

5. No phone.

6. Pay money.

7. Read One-Year Bible with Mom for one month. (I like this one.)

This blog concludes this series on Discipline and Punishments, so in summary here is what we covered:

The TOOLS of Consistency:


From ages 1-6 punishment was pretty cut and dry. I used the swat chart to correct my children. On a good day I would read the corresponding scripture before administering the rod of correction. On an average day I would just identify the offense, check for how many swats that offense accounted for and again administer the rod of correction. On a bad day I was too selfish and lazy to correct my children despite their misbehavior.

How much I LOVE my children is directly related to how consistently I correct them when they have done wrong (Proverbs 13:24).

Ages 7-12 We moved into the non -spanking, negative reinforcement. I moved more into the discipline and training of my children. This is when it takes more effort on Tim and I to "always have a punishment in our back pocket.”

Ages 13–18: We moved into the TRAINING era of developing our children. This is the toughest area of parenting, because we have to grow up. This is mutual respect and mutual accountability. This is when we begin the process of transferring authority to our children.

Tomorrow's blog is entitled: "Relinquish Control or Die"

Forever your biggest fan,
Naomi

Being An Adult Has Nothing to do With Age

I have seen 40 year old men act like children and 14 year old children act like adults.  Being an adult has NOTHING to do with age. 

A child is FORCED responsibility, an adult TAKES responsibility.  The secret to success throughout the teenage years,  or life for that matter, is for you as parents to remain TEACHABLE and HUMBLE.

A humble mom/dad is someone who desires TRUTH more than they desire to BE RIGHT.

If you remain humble and teachable with your kids in the teen years, you will go from SURVIVING the teen years to THRIVING in the teen years.

 When our middle son was 12, we each signed an agreement that we were going to be people of TRUTH. 

I WANT TRUTH - Naomi
I WANT TRUTH - Tim
I WANT TRUTH - TJ

Being an adult means that the NUMBER ONE area that you take responsibility for is in the area of your ACTIONS and ATTITUDES.  That means that you do not blame others for your bad attitude, you do not make excuses for your bad attitude and you do not deny that you had a bad attitude. 

I want to park it right here because this might very well be the most important thing I ever say in my blog - ever.

THIS BLOG IS BIGGER THAN BLOGS ONE – THREE COMBINED.

WHEN YOU BLAME A BAD ATTITUDE ON ANYONE ELSE…YOU ARE A CHILD.

BAD ATTITUDE = TONE OF VOICE and Body Language. 

THE DAY YOU BECOME AN ADULT IS THE DAY YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE BEFORE GOD FOR YOUR ATTITUDE AND THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR A BAD ATTITUDE. If you are an adult, you finish the sentence with, "The reason I’m grumpy is because I have a bad attitude, and I need someone to punish me, because I am serious about wanting to change my childish behavior."

In week 7 of my "Daughter of the King" class, I teach the girls "The Rewards of Obedience"  and I teach them the acronym B.E.D.  (Blame, Excuse, Deny). If you make your BED you will lie in it.  If you BLAME others for your bad attitude you are a CHILD.  If you make EXCUSES for your bad attitude you are a CHILD.  If you DENY that you have a bad attitude you are a CHILD.   If you take responsibility for your bad attitude and accept your punishment, that will help you change your anger issues. Then you are acting like an adult and you are humble. AKA: Someone who wants truth more than you want to be right.

This is a concept I worked very hard at instilling into my kids when they were between the ages of 8 - 12.  During this season of their lives they are very motivated to grow up.  I think it's important that we are specific so our children know what it means to "grow up".  Tomorrow I will talk about some specific goals to help your kids know what they are trying to reach.

From 12 – 17 is when we as parents get to drink the fruit of our own attitudes. Up to 12 years old we are pouring our attitudes into the cups of our children. At 12 – 17  they tell you to drink that cup. If you are apathetic your teenager will be apathetic. If you have a temper your teenager will have a temper. 

Paul listed 15 adult attitudes in I Corinthians 13. These "Fruits of the Spirit" are: Love, Joy, Peace, Gentleness, Patience, Kindness, Does not envy, is not proud, is not RUDE, IS NOT SELF SEEKING,  IS NOT EASILY ANGERED,  KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS, NEVER DELIGHTS IN EVIL, ALWAYS HOPES AND ALWAYS PERSEVERES. THIS IS ADULTHOOD!

The teenage years are a second chance for Mom and Dad to grow up!! Yay!!  I think God smiles at this opportunity. 

Cheering you on.