Dating vs. Courtship: Ages 18 - 25

How courtship benefits everyone involved:

The guy, the girl, the parents and your future sex life.

When our kids are in high school, we understand the dangers involved with teens being faced with matters of the heart before they have all their discernment brain cells in place. Studies actually say that the frontal lobe which includes the discernment brain cells is not fully developed until age 25. 

So many times we expect our teenagers to be able to think like a 40 year old when they just don't have the life experience or the brain cells that enable them to do so.  So many teen's aptitudes for relationships is limited to what they hear and see in the movies they watch or TV shows or music they listen to. They still have so much to learn about love. 

So many kids make decisions about sexuality based on emotional involvement that exceeds their maturity level.

Remember mom's, it is our job to get our children one fifth of the way raised.  Marriage, mortgage, job and kids will provide the rest of the maturing process. 

Once our children reach age 18-25 and they have these four foundations in place, they are ready to begin to court. 

                                     When is a person ready to court?

1.      Only when both parties’ parents approve (Accountability).

2.      When both parties are old enough to marry.

      3.      When the couple is spiritually ready for marriage.
      4.      When the couple is emotionally ready for marriage.
      5.      When the couple is financially ready for marriage.

       All during our children's growing up years, we constantly imagined and prayed for God to send him/her the kind of wife/husband they would need.  I dreamed of the day when the love that Tim and I share as husband and wife would be multiplied in the lives of our children. 

      However, as mom's we are sometimes crippled by the fear that our children will not have what it takes to last for the long haul and through the stresses and complexities of life. We as adults have learned that love has to be more than something we feel. It has to be something we do. We also understand that most teens process their feelings through the truth, rather than the truth through their feelings, which can be a very dangerous process when dating is involved.

      Benefits for the Guy:  
      You guys are the biggest WINNERS when it comes to Courting. One of the biggest pressures that a guy faces is he has to come up with the dates.  At first it’s kind of fun, but after a while it turns into a lot of pressure to always have to come up with what you are going to do. Then it turns into a conversation that goes something like this:  Guy to girl: "What do you want to do?"  Girl to Guy:" I don’t know, what do you want to do…..?" You get the idea.

 Now compare that with Courting, where you include the whole family in the process (which is basically what courtship is).  You, the guy, throw out the idea, "Hey what does everyone want to do? " You  have your sister who wants go to “Paint and Fire” to paint ceramics and fire them. Then you  have big brother that wants to go play paintball, then you have the theater lover who wants to go see "Annie” or “Smoke on the Mountain” . You have the 70's loving music dad who wants to go see “Kansas” in concert, or the very active mom that wants to go “Caving” or “Snow tubing”, so within five minutes you’ve got enough date ideas to last you for the next two months.  Now this is not a made up story, this is exactly what happens in our family.  Variety is the spice of life. When you include the whole family, your dating life becomes more fun.

The second way this will benefit you guys, is you might even be able to get your parents to pay for some of your dates. As a parent, I WANT to invest in what God is doing in my children’s life.  I want to pay for:

      1.   “Dialogue in the Dark”

2.     Ice skating

3.    Bowling shoes. 

4.    Dinner at “Ruby Tuesdays”

Why? Because I feel like I am making a good investment into what God is doing.

The third way that it benefits the guy is, last year in "True Love Waits", the main request from the guys was they wanted a low maintenance woman. Another word for “low maintenance” is as little baggage as possible. The way you tell how much baggage a girl has is by how she dresses.  And the criteria I always use are the 3 B’s: Butt, Boobs, and Belly = Baggage. If she dresses with those 3 showing, you can guarantee that she will come with tons of baggage and be very high maintenance.  Your mom knows better than you do guys if that girl is going to be high maintenance or not.

     How does Courting benefit the girl?

 Every girl instinctively knows that how a guy treats his mother is how he will treat her. Courting is a great way to get to see her boyfriend interact with his mother. There is a side of TJ that comes out with me that Ariel would never see in any other arena.  I bring out the best in him.  I say that sarcastically, because Ariel will be the first to tell you that TJ and I can get into some pretty heated discussions. If she was not spending multiple hours with our family she would never see that side of TJ.  Girls, if the only time your date sees your parents is the five minutes while he is waiting to take you out on a date, you will never see the real person that he is: BECAUSE WHO YOU ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY IS WHO YOU REALLY ARE! EVERYTHING ELSE IS AN ACT!

      How does Courting Benefit the Parents?

      One of the many benefits of Courting vs. Dating is, courtship allows me the immense privilege of having a front row seat as my children's relationships unfold.  As we play together as a family and talk about our interest and general details of our lives, we grow closer.  

For me as a mom it makes me feel safe, because nothing is hidden, everything is right out there in front of me.  If a couple does not feel comfortable hanging out with our family, I’m immediately suspicious and feel like they are hiding something.  As a mother of  sons, it is my desire that the woman my sons marry will not be a game player.  I don’t want my son dating some girl who is a manipulator (someone who uses guilt or jealousy to get my son to do what she wants).  If their relationship is open and being played out right in front of me, then I can see that, where he might be blinded to it.  Girls know girls just like guys know guys.  Another thing I want as a mom is to know that this girl is going to take care of my son. In other words, does she have a caring servant’s heart?  Just last weekend we were all at the movies together.  You know how you get the large coke and you can get it refilled for free?  Well, TJ very nonchalantly said, “I gotta go get a refill.”  Ariel was like, “I’ll get it for you.” While she was gone, I turned to TJ and said, “It makes me feel good knowing that Ariel has a servants heart. I have no doubt that she will take good care of you.” TJ said, “She’s a sweetheart.”

     Your future sex life:

Because men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti, everything a woman does in her dating life comes back to her in her marriage.  If she is used by a guy and rejected she will associate rejection, guilt, fear, loneliness and shame with the act of sex. Those feelings do not suddenly go away just because she is married, in fact they increase. So instead of feeling uninhibited when she takes her clothes off in front of her husband, she will feel like hiding because she feels shameful. Instead of enthusiastically wanting to make love to her husband, she will view it as a duty to get through instead of a pleasure of life to enjoy. Once again, the sins of her youth have robbed both her and her husband of God’s greatest treasure: a great sex life. When you court instead of date, the temptations of falling in the area of sexual promiscuity go way down. I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband, three sweet kids, a son - in - love and a soon to be daughter - in love.  On July 23, 2011 as I sit and watch TJ and Ariel commit their love to each other, I'm sure the previous months of courtship will roll before me like a newsreel running in my mind. Flowers on Valentine’s Day, all the numerous Shenanigans. I didn't hear an audible voice from heaven saying, "This is the wife I have chosen for your son TJ.", but rather a slow awareness washed over me until I realized I had a lot to be thankful for. It's probably good that when we begin a relationship, we never know where it will lead.  If we knew that we would face pain and challenges and we would probably hesitate! And in doing so, we'd probably miss out on some of the greatest joys in our lives.  While no relationship is a guaranteed pain-free future, love is worth it.  I can't say that I have fully arrived; I am still adjusting to my new role of being a mother to adult children.  In the back of my mind I explore many hidden worries.  At times insecurity plagues me as I wonder how ready they are to share their lives together. I have learned to let go of control.  I love my kids enough to give them back to God.  I trust their ability to make wise decisions and I trust God enough to take care of them.  I am no longer in bondage of fear.  I am free to love them both. I need not be the only object of my children's affection. My heart has grown to love each of my children's spouses and hopefully their hearts have expanded to love me.  As we step out and trust God and one another, we can swim in the cool waters of love, enjoying the refreshment and pure fun. 

Forever cheering you on,

Naomi

Why the Name: "Professional Parenting"

A few months ago, my middle son TJ came home from work, handed me a set of motivational CDs that he had been listening to and said,

TJ: "You should listen to these you would like them."

Mom: "Really, why is that?"

TJ: "Because he talks about a bunch of stuff that you are always telling us."

Mom: "Really, like what?"

TJ: "Like you know how you are always telling us to live in the moment and don't be texting all the time and how you are always taking pictures and how you are always setting goals. You do what he tells us to do in business, except you just do it in parenting."

Mom: "That's really funny that you would say that TJ, because I have been thinking about writing a book called "Professional Parenting" with the subtitle: "The Business Man's Guide to Parenting."

TJ: "I think you should write it."  

So that is how the name of this blog came to be.  I have it on my list to co-author a book by that title with John Maxwell.  I'm not naive to the fact that most of the parenting books that are purchased are purchased by wives who then try to coerce their husbands into reading them. The "following" on this blog confirms that it's the women who are doing the reading on parenting.  As far as I know, I don't have any men following my blog.  However, if a book was written about parenting that the man could use the principals in his business as well as in his parenting, then perhaps more men would be more interested in reading that book. 

OK enough about the title. Today I would like to talk to you about the importance of setting goals in your parenting.  It is my belief that the days of passive parenting are a thing of the past.  I don't believe you can be passive in your training and have your kids survive this sin-filled culture.  My personality type "D" enables me to keep my eye on a goal for a very long time. 

I had 3 goals in mind as my kids were growing up:

1.  The importance of the power of the tongue.

2. How to resolve conflict.

3.  The importance of guarding their innocence.

The power of the tongue.

The Bible is very clear about the power of speech to do great good or evil. Here, words are described as having the power of life and death--the power to build somebody up or tear them down. The power of the tongue should not be underestimated. Proverbs 18:21 -  "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. "Eat" what? You will either eat the fruit of life or you will eat the fruit of death, depending on how you speak.  Each day you are given a choice as to whether you are going to float your tongue in the river of life or the river of death. CHOOSE LIFE!  

This is a lesson that all 3 of my kids have learned well.  Very rarely will you ever hear them speak negatively about themselves or others.  They understand the power to speak verbal blessings.  Another reason I know that my kids "got this one" is because now that my kids are grown, I will sometimes relax my "guard". Just the other day I said something that was not positive in nature and my son said, "I can't believe you spoke that curse over my life." So yeah, I think all three of my kids got that one. 

How to Resolve Conflict:

This is probably the one that I put the most effort into helping them learn, because I feel that if someone has good conflict resolution skills they will be successful in every area of their life.  They will be successful in their marriage, they will be successful in their jobs.  Since many times the reason someone gets fired is not because they can't do the work, but rather because they can't get a long with people.  The training tool that I used to teach them how to be good at Conflict Resolution is Pastor John Fichtner's teaching series: "Conflict Resolution". You can listen to this series online if you would like by going to http://www.libertychurch.org/. Tim and I also tried to lead by example, by allowing our kids to observe how Tim and I worked to come to agreement when making decisions.  Being good at conflict resolution requires people to be teachable and humble.  Remember a humble person "WANTS TRUTH MORE THAN THEY WANT TO BE RIGHT."   I have seen my kids resolve conflict over the years in a healthy manner, so I know that they got this principal as well. My youngest son was in a band when he was 15 - 16. Being in a band and working with 5 other families provided him with many opportunities for implementing his conflict resolution skills.  Now whether they choose to apply what they know is another matter all together, but at least they have the knowledge of HOW to resolve conflict properly.

The importance of guarding your innocence:

In today's sin-filled culture you are looked at as weird if you even attempt to guard your innocence.  What I tried to communicate to  my kids is you are not weird for trying to guard your innocence, but you are rare and valuable.

 For our 25th wedding anniversary, my wonderful husband bought me a beautiful diamond ring.  I would hold up that ring and ask my kids, "Why is this diamond so valuable?"  After many guesses we would come to the conclusion that what makes things valuable is how rare they are. One way we decided to protect their innocence was by purchasing a Clearplay DVD player.  Its a DVD player that filters out the sex, cussing, and excessive violence.  That way we can enjoy a movie without having to lay aside Biblical principals for the sake of "entertainment". During the teen years they did not feel like they were current and up on movies, so our compromise was Clearplay.  Good leadership is being able to come up with options that everyone is pleased with.  Now that my kids are adults, I don't always agree with their media choices but its their lives and they will have to live with the choices they make.  It's my hope that the filth of this world will be distasteful to them and they will return to guarding their innocence once again.  Don't get me wrong, their media choices are probably much like the average Christian Joe's media choices and my standards are looked at by others as "weird", but to me I find them very valuable. 

So in conclusion, I would like to challenge you to start thinking about what goals you would like to achieve as parents.  What would you like for your children to leave your home with when they move out, and what tools are you going to implement in order for you to reach those goals? 

One other side note: It's vital that you understand that you can make goals all you want, but unless your son or daughter sees the benefit of that goal, they will be YOUR goals, NOT THEIR GOALS.  One thing about generation X-ers and the Millennium generation is they don't do anything unless you show them how it will BENEFIT them. So not only is it important to come up with the goals, but even more important is communicating to your teens how adopting these goals for themselves will BENEFIT THEM. 

Tomorrow I promise to write about creative punishments for teenagers and I will also share the number one thing that teens want.