The Death of a Dream
Poor choices made by our children is not about THEIR relationship with God as much as it is about OUR relationship with God. Raising our children to serve God is everything. It’s our whole life. It’s the most important thing to us as moms. What do we do when we see our children making poor choices? How do we handle watching them reject what we have worked so hard to teach them their whole lives?
What does it mean when your dream dies? The Bible tells of the Shunammite Woman in 2 Kings Chapter 4: Elijah tells her she is going to have a son, which God fulfills her dream and gives her a son. One day that son/dream curls up in his mother’s lap and dies and there she is holding her dead dream in her arms. Elijah lays on top of him, and prays, and the son comes back to life. What is the point of that? Why put the woman through that exercise? Why did God choose to put the woman through the death of her son? It may be that if God gives us a dream and the dream dies, God may want to see what is more important to us - the dream or God, our children or Him?
God wants us to let go of our dream of godly kids. Why would God want us to let go of our dreams? Anything that we are not willing to let go of is an idol. Our children can become idols in our lives, which is a sin. Our role of motherhood can become an idol that defines us, rather than finding our identity in our relationship with Christ Jesus. We work so hard to make sure our children never have the opportunity to miss the high mark of living for Christ. We run all across town to avoid them going to public school. We drive junk cars so we can afford Christian education. We put aside our own desires for years so we can home school them. We make sure our children are at church every time the doors are open. We pay for youth camp, mission trips, and worship camps.
I am just now learning how to wait on God. What does that look like for me? Well, busyness ends as my role of mother, nurturer, taxi driver, chef, and all the many roles that come with the title “Mom”, that require so much of my time and energy cease to exist.
As I watched my child hurt, sometimes due to this fallen, sin-filled world we live in, I saw that other pain is caused by their own poor choices. I spent some time hurting, just hurting. I lacked motivation to do much. I would spend time sitting in the living room, looking out the window praying, and thinking. Sleeping at night became more and more difficult.
After a season of just hurting, I started reading the Bible. No kid needed a ride. No kid needed a meal fixed. No kid needed my “awesome words of wisdom” (said sarcastically). No kid needed to be picked up from school or dropped off at school. I did not even bother to make a “To Do List”. It took a while, but the only way to describe it was that I was giving up. I was giving up on trying to make things different. I was dying. I was dying to the belief that I had the ability to change my child’s heart. I was dying to the lie that I was God in their life. I was dying to MY AMBITION, MY WILL, MY HOPES, and MY DREAM.
God could have spared me the pain of watching them make poor choices, but he didn’t. It was not about God and my child, it was about God and Me: my ambitions, my dreams, my misplaced sense of identity and value.
Anything that I am not willing to let go of is an IDOL and I am in sin. They went kicking and screaming up on the altar and now they were dead. I did not want to parent any more. I did not want to give anyone any advice ever again. I wanted to let everything go and rest in God alone.
I often would fall asleep listening to the Bible playing. It would help me get to sleep. My husband and I read the Bible together at night when he gets home from work and we pray together before we fall asleep at night. We pray every night for our children.
I am still in the stage of giving up, and dying, and reading God’s word and praying. However, as I laid my dreams at the feet of Jesus, He has picked them up. I have seen a change in the heart of my children. They are all serving God and living for him today, not because of anything I have done, all because of everything God has done. This story is to be continued. God has not yet shown me how the new me is going to live. As I die to the idol of my children, I live with less anxiety in my life. I am just now discovering what I have been missing all along.
The impact doesn’t happen when we are pursuing impact, the impact happens when we are pursuing God.
The most important thing is not my work; the most important thing is pursuing God. Hold everything loosely except God. When I was finally ready to put everything on the altar and become completely broken, admitting that I cannot fix things, it was then that He was able to rebuild me and my children stronger and better for his glory. I am here humbly declaring God’s sovereignty!
Showing posts with label time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label time. Show all posts
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Ages 18 - 21 -These are the Best of Times, These are the Worst of Times
Parenting your adult children, ages 18 - 21: It could be described as, "These are the best of times, these are the worst of times."
At age 18, society declares our children are adults. At 18, our military will hand our children a gun and give them the responsibility of defending our country. However, parents of adult children have a different understanding of what it means to be an adult. Parents believe that being an adult means you are able to support yourself and provide food, clothing, housing, and have a job that allows you to do all those things. In our society very few 18 year olds are self sufficient. The only thing our 18 year old children need from us is our money. They do NOT need our advice or opinions and they definitely do not need our lectures.
We have a standard in our home called A.R.P., which stands for "Advice Requires Permission". If at any time I offer advice without my children giving me permission to do so, they are able to hold me accountable just by saying the word ARP. In this season of our lives, we as parents have to learn to hold our tongues. This cannot be done by using our own power. We must rely on the power of the Holy Spirit and faith. THE OPPOSITE OF FAITH IS FEAR. The reason we try so hard to control our children is because we are driven by fear. Many times the fear is rooted in mistakes that we made when we were their age.
When our children are younger we have a high level of control. We basically make all the decisions for our children. We decide when they get up, what they eat, where they go, who they hang out with. Many times the best parents during ages birth - 15, make the worst parents during ages 16 - 21, because they have been so vigilant to make sure little Johnny got everything right. When it's time for little Johnny to start making his own decisions, they are paralyzed with fear that little Johnny will make some major mistakes that will mess up the rest of his life. One of the hardest things about being a parent is watching someone you love so much go through the treacherous roads of life, knowing you can’t possibly protect them from everything. I guess it's in those times that all we can do is remember they don’t really belong to us, they are just on loan. All we can do is love them and pray for them. For better or for worse, our children are going to have to live with the choices that they make, as we have had to live with the choices we have made.
Don't be a Gnat in God's Face
As we pray for God to deal with our children, when our children begin to suffer we will step in and rescue them. If you are praying for God to deal with your son or daughter, it's so important that you allow your child to suffer the pain that will bring them back to God. As my children were growing up I use to say to them often, "YOU CAN LEARN BY LISTENING OUR YOU CAN LEARN BY PAIN." Some kids choose to learn by pain. Another truth I would live by is: "When the face hits the pavement the ears pop open." This is true in marriage as well. C.S. Lewis put it this way: "Pain and Suffering are the microphone to a deaf ear." So if God chooses to use pain in order to get my child's attention, I don't want to be that irritating gnat that God has to swat out of the way in order to answer my prayers for my children.
Don't Abandon Your Child in Their Rebellion:
I am a Baby Boomer so I grew up during the time when parents were taught the "tough love" mentality when dealing with rebellious teenagers. I watched as my parents kicked my siblings out of the house. It did not work or promote positive change in my siblings. I'm not saying that approach never works, but please do not be so quick to resort to that tactic. Unless there is domestic violence, this approach is not something that I would recommend. Don't abandon your rebellious teenager. I would rather have my child make their mistakes while living under my roof where we can still have some influence on them when THEY ASK for it.
Except from Stormie Omartian's book: "Praying For Your Adult Children"
"When you throw them out they can get into a lot of trouble. They can become more vulnerable to evil influences because they are afraid or desperate. You must have the mind of God about this. You have to be certain that throwing your adult child out of your house is what God wants you to do. In some cases it may well be, but it can’t be a decision born of human emotions, such as anger. Remember, you have released your adult child into God’s hands. That doesn’t mean you have given up on him or her. You’re not saying, “You take him, God. I can’t deal with him anymore.” Or, “That’s it, Lord. I’ve had it. She’s all Yours now.” It means you have surrendered the burden you have been carrying for your adult child to the Lord so He can take it off of your shoulders. Then the burden you carry is in prayer. Today’s cultural environment will chew our adult children up and spit them out if they are not strong enough to recognize the destructive, dark, and powerful forces that are in it and be able to resist them. No matter how horrible our own background might have been, we weren’t confronted with the outpouring of evil they are facing today. It is becoming so dangerous that even our adult children cannot successfully withstand it on their own. They need the power of the Holy Spirit, and they need our prayers to help them understand how He moves in power on their behalf. If you have an adult child who has grieved or worried you, or caused problems for himself (herself) or for you or others, ask God to pour out His Spirit on him (her) right now. Don’t waste time blaming yourself, the other parent, or your child. I am not saying your adult children don’t bear any responsibility for what happens in their lives. They certainly do. But the overriding factor is that only an outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God on your adult children is powerful enough to withstand the onslaught of the spirit of evil coming against them. Asking God to pour out His Spirit upon your adult children is a simple prayer with powerful ramifications, both for you and for them."
This blog has gotten longer than I had anticipated, so tomorrow I will blog on "Relinquish Control or Die". Consider this the introduction to tomorrow's blog. I have heard from several of you on FaceBook that you want me to blog on marriage as well as some of my fun ideas. I will get to that eventually, I promise.
Forever Cheering you on,
Naomi
At age 18, society declares our children are adults. At 18, our military will hand our children a gun and give them the responsibility of defending our country. However, parents of adult children have a different understanding of what it means to be an adult. Parents believe that being an adult means you are able to support yourself and provide food, clothing, housing, and have a job that allows you to do all those things. In our society very few 18 year olds are self sufficient. The only thing our 18 year old children need from us is our money. They do NOT need our advice or opinions and they definitely do not need our lectures.
We have a standard in our home called A.R.P., which stands for "Advice Requires Permission". If at any time I offer advice without my children giving me permission to do so, they are able to hold me accountable just by saying the word ARP. In this season of our lives, we as parents have to learn to hold our tongues. This cannot be done by using our own power. We must rely on the power of the Holy Spirit and faith. THE OPPOSITE OF FAITH IS FEAR. The reason we try so hard to control our children is because we are driven by fear. Many times the fear is rooted in mistakes that we made when we were their age.
When our children are younger we have a high level of control. We basically make all the decisions for our children. We decide when they get up, what they eat, where they go, who they hang out with. Many times the best parents during ages birth - 15, make the worst parents during ages 16 - 21, because they have been so vigilant to make sure little Johnny got everything right. When it's time for little Johnny to start making his own decisions, they are paralyzed with fear that little Johnny will make some major mistakes that will mess up the rest of his life. One of the hardest things about being a parent is watching someone you love so much go through the treacherous roads of life, knowing you can’t possibly protect them from everything. I guess it's in those times that all we can do is remember they don’t really belong to us, they are just on loan. All we can do is love them and pray for them. For better or for worse, our children are going to have to live with the choices that they make, as we have had to live with the choices we have made.
Don't be a Gnat in God's Face
As we pray for God to deal with our children, when our children begin to suffer we will step in and rescue them. If you are praying for God to deal with your son or daughter, it's so important that you allow your child to suffer the pain that will bring them back to God. As my children were growing up I use to say to them often, "YOU CAN LEARN BY LISTENING OUR YOU CAN LEARN BY PAIN." Some kids choose to learn by pain. Another truth I would live by is: "When the face hits the pavement the ears pop open." This is true in marriage as well. C.S. Lewis put it this way: "Pain and Suffering are the microphone to a deaf ear." So if God chooses to use pain in order to get my child's attention, I don't want to be that irritating gnat that God has to swat out of the way in order to answer my prayers for my children.
Don't Abandon Your Child in Their Rebellion:
I am a Baby Boomer so I grew up during the time when parents were taught the "tough love" mentality when dealing with rebellious teenagers. I watched as my parents kicked my siblings out of the house. It did not work or promote positive change in my siblings. I'm not saying that approach never works, but please do not be so quick to resort to that tactic. Unless there is domestic violence, this approach is not something that I would recommend. Don't abandon your rebellious teenager. I would rather have my child make their mistakes while living under my roof where we can still have some influence on them when THEY ASK for it.
Except from Stormie Omartian's book: "Praying For Your Adult Children"
"When you throw them out they can get into a lot of trouble. They can become more vulnerable to evil influences because they are afraid or desperate. You must have the mind of God about this. You have to be certain that throwing your adult child out of your house is what God wants you to do. In some cases it may well be, but it can’t be a decision born of human emotions, such as anger. Remember, you have released your adult child into God’s hands. That doesn’t mean you have given up on him or her. You’re not saying, “You take him, God. I can’t deal with him anymore.” Or, “That’s it, Lord. I’ve had it. She’s all Yours now.” It means you have surrendered the burden you have been carrying for your adult child to the Lord so He can take it off of your shoulders. Then the burden you carry is in prayer. Today’s cultural environment will chew our adult children up and spit them out if they are not strong enough to recognize the destructive, dark, and powerful forces that are in it and be able to resist them. No matter how horrible our own background might have been, we weren’t confronted with the outpouring of evil they are facing today. It is becoming so dangerous that even our adult children cannot successfully withstand it on their own. They need the power of the Holy Spirit, and they need our prayers to help them understand how He moves in power on their behalf. If you have an adult child who has grieved or worried you, or caused problems for himself (herself) or for you or others, ask God to pour out His Spirit on him (her) right now. Don’t waste time blaming yourself, the other parent, or your child. I am not saying your adult children don’t bear any responsibility for what happens in their lives. They certainly do. But the overriding factor is that only an outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God on your adult children is powerful enough to withstand the onslaught of the spirit of evil coming against them. Asking God to pour out His Spirit upon your adult children is a simple prayer with powerful ramifications, both for you and for them."
This blog has gotten longer than I had anticipated, so tomorrow I will blog on "Relinquish Control or Die". Consider this the introduction to tomorrow's blog. I have heard from several of you on FaceBook that you want me to blog on marriage as well as some of my fun ideas. I will get to that eventually, I promise.
Forever Cheering you on,
Naomi
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
One Size Does Not Fit All
I don't know about you, but I HATE wasting anything. I hate wasting food, I hate wasting money, but most of all I hate wasting my time or my energy. Your TIME and your ENERGY are your most valuable commodities, so it's vital to know what your kid's love language is if you are not going to waste your time and energy. I wanted to be intentional at filling my kid's love tank, while expending the least amount of energy.
My daughter was age nine when I realized that her love languages were gifts and acts of service, the two love languages that I am the weakest in. My youngest son's love language was quality time. One of the worst punishments that I could ever give my youngest child was grounding him from seeing his friends.
My middle son's love language was physical touch. One of the ways that I figured out what their love languages were - I took each child out to lunch individually and asked them a series of questions.
I understand that as your children are developing and growing it might be difficult to completely figure out what their love languages are, but pay attention to what makes them light up.
Read the book: "The five Love Languages of Children" By: Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.
It is also vital that you know your child's personality type. I know that there are plenty of different personality books out there, but the one that I like the most is the D.I.S.C. taught by Pastor John Fichtner. Being a Psychology minor in college I was exposed to several forms of teaching on personality type, but the reason I like Pastor John's is that he is the only one that teaches you what the battle is for each personality type. He also lets you know what the curses are for each personality type. You can listen online by going to: http://www.libertychurch.org/. It helped me SO much when it came to understanding my kids. My daughter is an "I"/"C" type personality. She was my biggest challenge in trying to figure out. The I/C is double intense and double fragile.
My middle son TJ is "D"/"S" He is a Doer, Driver, Direct, Dominate, personality. With this personality type, negative punishments do not work. They are goal oriented, so the way that you shape and mold their character is by using a totally different parenting strategy. For a "D" personality you:
AGREE ON A GOAL AND TEST A METHOD. Here is what that looks like practically speaking and an example of what we did:
Parenting Strategy for raising “D” kids - Agree on a Goal and Test a Method.
TJ’s character goal - Peaceful and Easy Going vs. Argumentative and Headstrong!
TJ’s physical reward - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.
1. Not to disagree, argue, or have a bad attitude for thirty days.
2. Agreed upon goal - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.
3. Time frame: Depends on TJ. Perfect record, TJ will get his gun February 14th, Valentines Day! He is allowed three strikes each day before he loses a day. That means that the date moves back a day. If the date goes past February 19th, he can no longer reach his goal of earning the gun.
4. Mom and Dad will determine what words, actions, or attitudes constitute a strike. If TJ argues about a strike, another strike will be added on.
5. If TJ loses so many strikes that he is unable to obtain the gun by February 19th, then he does not get the gun at all. This allows him 15 strikes in a 30 day period.
TJ, may I suggest you begin each day by asking the Power of God to enable you to rotate it to “S”? You are an awesome kid and I know with God’s help you will reach your goal.
Contract Signed By:
Tim Shedd _____________________________
TJ Shedd ______________________________
Naomi Shedd ___________________________
Offer expires February 19, 2002
Oh, by the way, he did get his Airsoft gun, but the more important gift was his mom learned how to TRAIN her "D" son using methods that actually work. We were big on using contracts in the teen years. I have a file in my computer designated to various contracts to apply to various situations.
Here are a few more ideas for creative punishments:
1. TJ - Agree on a goal and test a method: Example: Brag water backpack. (To earn camel back.)
2. Take away Amanda’s favorite jeans.
3. Take away new shoes.
4. No computer, email, instant message.
5. No phone.
6. Pay money.
7. Read One-Year Bible with Mom for one month. (I like this one.)
This blog concludes this series on Discipline and Punishments, so in summary here is what we covered:
The TOOLS of Consistency:
From ages 1-6 punishment was pretty cut and dry. I used the swat chart to correct my children. On a good day I would read the corresponding scripture before administering the rod of correction. On an average day I would just identify the offense, check for how many swats that offense accounted for and again administer the rod of correction. On a bad day I was too selfish and lazy to correct my children despite their misbehavior.
How much I LOVE my children is directly related to how consistently I correct them when they have done wrong (Proverbs 13:24).
Ages 7-12 We moved into the non -spanking, negative reinforcement. I moved more into the discipline and training of my children. This is when it takes more effort on Tim and I to "always have a punishment in our back pocket.”
Ages 13–18: We moved into the TRAINING era of developing our children. This is the toughest area of parenting, because we have to grow up. This is mutual respect and mutual accountability. This is when we begin the process of transferring authority to our children.
Tomorrow's blog is entitled: "Relinquish Control or Die"
Forever your biggest fan,
Naomi
My daughter was age nine when I realized that her love languages were gifts and acts of service, the two love languages that I am the weakest in. My youngest son's love language was quality time. One of the worst punishments that I could ever give my youngest child was grounding him from seeing his friends.
My middle son's love language was physical touch. One of the ways that I figured out what their love languages were - I took each child out to lunch individually and asked them a series of questions.
I understand that as your children are developing and growing it might be difficult to completely figure out what their love languages are, but pay attention to what makes them light up.
Read the book: "The five Love Languages of Children" By: Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.
It is also vital that you know your child's personality type. I know that there are plenty of different personality books out there, but the one that I like the most is the D.I.S.C. taught by Pastor John Fichtner. Being a Psychology minor in college I was exposed to several forms of teaching on personality type, but the reason I like Pastor John's is that he is the only one that teaches you what the battle is for each personality type. He also lets you know what the curses are for each personality type. You can listen online by going to: http://www.libertychurch.org/. It helped me SO much when it came to understanding my kids. My daughter is an "I"/"C" type personality. She was my biggest challenge in trying to figure out. The I/C is double intense and double fragile.
My middle son TJ is "D"/"S" He is a Doer, Driver, Direct, Dominate, personality. With this personality type, negative punishments do not work. They are goal oriented, so the way that you shape and mold their character is by using a totally different parenting strategy. For a "D" personality you:
AGREE ON A GOAL AND TEST A METHOD. Here is what that looks like practically speaking and an example of what we did:
Parenting Strategy for raising “D” kids - Agree on a Goal and Test a Method.
TJ’s character goal - Peaceful and Easy Going vs. Argumentative and Headstrong!
TJ’s physical reward - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.
1. Not to disagree, argue, or have a bad attitude for thirty days.
2. Agreed upon goal - One $20.00 Airsoft Gun.
3. Time frame: Depends on TJ. Perfect record, TJ will get his gun February 14th, Valentines Day! He is allowed three strikes each day before he loses a day. That means that the date moves back a day. If the date goes past February 19th, he can no longer reach his goal of earning the gun.
4. Mom and Dad will determine what words, actions, or attitudes constitute a strike. If TJ argues about a strike, another strike will be added on.
5. If TJ loses so many strikes that he is unable to obtain the gun by February 19th, then he does not get the gun at all. This allows him 15 strikes in a 30 day period.
TJ, may I suggest you begin each day by asking the Power of God to enable you to rotate it to “S”? You are an awesome kid and I know with God’s help you will reach your goal.
Contract Signed By:
Tim Shedd _____________________________
TJ Shedd ______________________________
Naomi Shedd ___________________________
Offer expires February 19, 2002
Oh, by the way, he did get his Airsoft gun, but the more important gift was his mom learned how to TRAIN her "D" son using methods that actually work. We were big on using contracts in the teen years. I have a file in my computer designated to various contracts to apply to various situations.
Here are a few more ideas for creative punishments:
1. TJ - Agree on a goal and test a method: Example: Brag water backpack. (To earn camel back.)
2. Take away Amanda’s favorite jeans.
3. Take away new shoes.
4. No computer, email, instant message.
5. No phone.
6. Pay money.
7. Read One-Year Bible with Mom for one month. (I like this one.)
This blog concludes this series on Discipline and Punishments, so in summary here is what we covered:
The TOOLS of Consistency:
From ages 1-6 punishment was pretty cut and dry. I used the swat chart to correct my children. On a good day I would read the corresponding scripture before administering the rod of correction. On an average day I would just identify the offense, check for how many swats that offense accounted for and again administer the rod of correction. On a bad day I was too selfish and lazy to correct my children despite their misbehavior.
How much I LOVE my children is directly related to how consistently I correct them when they have done wrong (Proverbs 13:24).
Ages 7-12 We moved into the non -spanking, negative reinforcement. I moved more into the discipline and training of my children. This is when it takes more effort on Tim and I to "always have a punishment in our back pocket.”
Ages 13–18: We moved into the TRAINING era of developing our children. This is the toughest area of parenting, because we have to grow up. This is mutual respect and mutual accountability. This is when we begin the process of transferring authority to our children.
Tomorrow's blog is entitled: "Relinquish Control or Die"
Forever your biggest fan,
Naomi
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