Dating vs. Courtship: Ages 18 - 25

How courtship benefits everyone involved:

The guy, the girl, the parents and your future sex life.

When our kids are in high school, we understand the dangers involved with teens being faced with matters of the heart before they have all their discernment brain cells in place. Studies actually say that the frontal lobe which includes the discernment brain cells is not fully developed until age 25. 

So many times we expect our teenagers to be able to think like a 40 year old when they just don't have the life experience or the brain cells that enable them to do so.  So many teen's aptitudes for relationships is limited to what they hear and see in the movies they watch or TV shows or music they listen to. They still have so much to learn about love. 

So many kids make decisions about sexuality based on emotional involvement that exceeds their maturity level.

Remember mom's, it is our job to get our children one fifth of the way raised.  Marriage, mortgage, job and kids will provide the rest of the maturing process. 

Once our children reach age 18-25 and they have these four foundations in place, they are ready to begin to court. 

                                     When is a person ready to court?

1.      Only when both parties’ parents approve (Accountability).

2.      When both parties are old enough to marry.

      3.      When the couple is spiritually ready for marriage.
      4.      When the couple is emotionally ready for marriage.
      5.      When the couple is financially ready for marriage.

       All during our children's growing up years, we constantly imagined and prayed for God to send him/her the kind of wife/husband they would need.  I dreamed of the day when the love that Tim and I share as husband and wife would be multiplied in the lives of our children. 

      However, as mom's we are sometimes crippled by the fear that our children will not have what it takes to last for the long haul and through the stresses and complexities of life. We as adults have learned that love has to be more than something we feel. It has to be something we do. We also understand that most teens process their feelings through the truth, rather than the truth through their feelings, which can be a very dangerous process when dating is involved.

      Benefits for the Guy:  
      You guys are the biggest WINNERS when it comes to Courting. One of the biggest pressures that a guy faces is he has to come up with the dates.  At first it’s kind of fun, but after a while it turns into a lot of pressure to always have to come up with what you are going to do. Then it turns into a conversation that goes something like this:  Guy to girl: "What do you want to do?"  Girl to Guy:" I don’t know, what do you want to do…..?" You get the idea.

 Now compare that with Courting, where you include the whole family in the process (which is basically what courtship is).  You, the guy, throw out the idea, "Hey what does everyone want to do? " You  have your sister who wants go to “Paint and Fire” to paint ceramics and fire them. Then you  have big brother that wants to go play paintball, then you have the theater lover who wants to go see "Annie” or “Smoke on the Mountain” . You have the 70's loving music dad who wants to go see “Kansas” in concert, or the very active mom that wants to go “Caving” or “Snow tubing”, so within five minutes you’ve got enough date ideas to last you for the next two months.  Now this is not a made up story, this is exactly what happens in our family.  Variety is the spice of life. When you include the whole family, your dating life becomes more fun.

The second way this will benefit you guys, is you might even be able to get your parents to pay for some of your dates. As a parent, I WANT to invest in what God is doing in my children’s life.  I want to pay for:

      1.   “Dialogue in the Dark”

2.     Ice skating

3.    Bowling shoes. 

4.    Dinner at “Ruby Tuesdays”

Why? Because I feel like I am making a good investment into what God is doing.

The third way that it benefits the guy is, last year in "True Love Waits", the main request from the guys was they wanted a low maintenance woman. Another word for “low maintenance” is as little baggage as possible. The way you tell how much baggage a girl has is by how she dresses.  And the criteria I always use are the 3 B’s: Butt, Boobs, and Belly = Baggage. If she dresses with those 3 showing, you can guarantee that she will come with tons of baggage and be very high maintenance.  Your mom knows better than you do guys if that girl is going to be high maintenance or not.

     How does Courting benefit the girl?

 Every girl instinctively knows that how a guy treats his mother is how he will treat her. Courting is a great way to get to see her boyfriend interact with his mother. There is a side of TJ that comes out with me that Ariel would never see in any other arena.  I bring out the best in him.  I say that sarcastically, because Ariel will be the first to tell you that TJ and I can get into some pretty heated discussions. If she was not spending multiple hours with our family she would never see that side of TJ.  Girls, if the only time your date sees your parents is the five minutes while he is waiting to take you out on a date, you will never see the real person that he is: BECAUSE WHO YOU ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY IS WHO YOU REALLY ARE! EVERYTHING ELSE IS AN ACT!

      How does Courting Benefit the Parents?

      One of the many benefits of Courting vs. Dating is, courtship allows me the immense privilege of having a front row seat as my children's relationships unfold.  As we play together as a family and talk about our interest and general details of our lives, we grow closer.  

For me as a mom it makes me feel safe, because nothing is hidden, everything is right out there in front of me.  If a couple does not feel comfortable hanging out with our family, I’m immediately suspicious and feel like they are hiding something.  As a mother of  sons, it is my desire that the woman my sons marry will not be a game player.  I don’t want my son dating some girl who is a manipulator (someone who uses guilt or jealousy to get my son to do what she wants).  If their relationship is open and being played out right in front of me, then I can see that, where he might be blinded to it.  Girls know girls just like guys know guys.  Another thing I want as a mom is to know that this girl is going to take care of my son. In other words, does she have a caring servant’s heart?  Just last weekend we were all at the movies together.  You know how you get the large coke and you can get it refilled for free?  Well, TJ very nonchalantly said, “I gotta go get a refill.”  Ariel was like, “I’ll get it for you.” While she was gone, I turned to TJ and said, “It makes me feel good knowing that Ariel has a servants heart. I have no doubt that she will take good care of you.” TJ said, “She’s a sweetheart.”

     Your future sex life:

Because men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti, everything a woman does in her dating life comes back to her in her marriage.  If she is used by a guy and rejected she will associate rejection, guilt, fear, loneliness and shame with the act of sex. Those feelings do not suddenly go away just because she is married, in fact they increase. So instead of feeling uninhibited when she takes her clothes off in front of her husband, she will feel like hiding because she feels shameful. Instead of enthusiastically wanting to make love to her husband, she will view it as a duty to get through instead of a pleasure of life to enjoy. Once again, the sins of her youth have robbed both her and her husband of God’s greatest treasure: a great sex life. When you court instead of date, the temptations of falling in the area of sexual promiscuity go way down. I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband, three sweet kids, a son - in - love and a soon to be daughter - in love.  On July 23, 2011 as I sit and watch TJ and Ariel commit their love to each other, I'm sure the previous months of courtship will roll before me like a newsreel running in my mind. Flowers on Valentine’s Day, all the numerous Shenanigans. I didn't hear an audible voice from heaven saying, "This is the wife I have chosen for your son TJ.", but rather a slow awareness washed over me until I realized I had a lot to be thankful for. It's probably good that when we begin a relationship, we never know where it will lead.  If we knew that we would face pain and challenges and we would probably hesitate! And in doing so, we'd probably miss out on some of the greatest joys in our lives.  While no relationship is a guaranteed pain-free future, love is worth it.  I can't say that I have fully arrived; I am still adjusting to my new role of being a mother to adult children.  In the back of my mind I explore many hidden worries.  At times insecurity plagues me as I wonder how ready they are to share their lives together. I have learned to let go of control.  I love my kids enough to give them back to God.  I trust their ability to make wise decisions and I trust God enough to take care of them.  I am no longer in bondage of fear.  I am free to love them both. I need not be the only object of my children's affection. My heart has grown to love each of my children's spouses and hopefully their hearts have expanded to love me.  As we step out and trust God and one another, we can swim in the cool waters of love, enjoying the refreshment and pure fun. 

Forever cheering you on,

Naomi

Having Fun as a Family = Compromise

Shedd's Sunday Shenanigans

Laughter, talking, dinner around the dinner table and playing together are the things that make Shedd's Sunday Shenanigans a success.  

The Name:
One day as we were all sitting around after enjoying a delicious lunch, my son TJ said, "What kind of Shenanigans are we doing today?" I knew that from that day forward our Sunday family days were going to be known as "Shedd's Sunday Shenanigans"

Vision Statement:
The purpose of Shedd’s Shenanigans is to create memories together as a family. Let’s resist the routine of doing the same thing mindlessly. Routines without intentionality are boring and ritualistic.

Purpose: To have  great family.
How would you define a great family? Great families are easy to recognize. They are made up of people who spend time together on a regular basis and truly enjoy each others' company. They respect each others' thoughts and emotions. When one needs help the others are there for them. When one needs space the others instinctively give them room. When one is hurting the whole family hurts. Great families accept each other unconditionally. Great families look for ways to build each other up. They encourage each other to be the best they can be, but they also love each other in spite of their limitations. Great families have clearly defined boundaries. Great families know how to have fun.

How did we manage to have such a loving and close family?
I believe that perhaps part of the answer is that we have always known how to play together. The key to having fun together as a family is intentionality and compromise.  The power of compromise inspired by love is vital to family fun.  You will never reach this goal if you teach your children that they are the most important people on the planet. That is humanistic parenting, and fun times will not happen if a child is self-centered. Love can’t be built on good intentions. It needs stability, responsibility, and sacrifice. The most important thing in a family is that we all love each other.

Fun times don't just happen, they require thought, planning and flexibility. I believe that fun times are where the family bonding happens best. When you are planning fun activities for seven very different people, it's vital that everyone understands that the world does not revolve around them. There is no way that everyone will be doing their favorite activity every week. Understanding the joy the other person derives from the activity is vital to the success of families playing together. The guys enthusiastically embrace painting pottery at "Earth, Paint and Fire" with the girls, because they know that the following week they will be sitting at the Motocross races.  Another great example of this happened just yesterday in our home. I am in the process of planning our Shenanigans for November and I ask Ariel, who is as "girly girl" as any one you have ever met, "Would you go paint balling?" I loved her response. She said, "If everyone was doing it then I would do it." Now it doesn't take a genius to know that paint balling is not her first choice of activity, but she was willing to lay down her wants and desires because she understood the joy that Robert, Tyler, and TJ would derive from the activity of paintball. In marriage compromise makes all the difference, which is another reason why I feel Ariel will make a great wife.

I also have to consider the fact that we are in Tim’s element when he is home. So I have to be careful not to plan too many things that take Tim out of his home. I believe that a healthy, happy family is the most effective evangelism witnesses. When a hopeless world sees the friendship and love our family shares, it is like rays of sunshine peeking through the dark clouds of this world. When they see our home is filled with love and laughter, they are able to begin to hope and dream again.  Pastor John once said to me, "I would rather see a family that knows how to play together than a family that prays together, because if a family can play together then I know that they will be able to pray together."

Compromise in relationships is not only a good deal, but necessary for the relationships to grow and fully develop. When we compromise we are saying we value each other and appreciate how God made each one. When we take the time to look at others' needs, desires and preferences, relationships become win-win situations. It is my hope that my children know that their mom loves them, because I told them so, and because I demonstrated my love for them every time we had fun together. The experiences we share together play a significant role in the kind of family we now have. We have grown closer than I ever thought possible. Someday I would like to feel passionate about writing books that will inspire others to be intentional about their parenting goals. I hope that not only would parents make their discipline goals, but also play goals. I find being with my family both exciting and relaxing. Those of you who know me, know that I love adventure. As I grow older, I am learning that the real adventure is my family - my husband, my kids, my church. As much as I love to have adventure, spending time with my family is a far richer way to live. When you realize that that’s where the real living happens, the adventure itself is a fraction of the beauty and wonder of joy. Being with family is where the real fun is. There is a new term out now - "emergent adults". It's a term used for those who are putting off the responsibility of adulthood to "find themselves".  This concept is not new, it became popular in the 60's. It describes those who are putting off marriage, job, and adult responsibility until their late 20's or early 30's.  You don’t “find” yourself, self is “made” in relationships.

Will you play with me?
Our times together almost always include playing games. Some of our favorites are board games including but not limited to: Risk, Monopoly, Pictionary, Connect 4, Sorry, Killer Uno and Nertz, Pit, and Blockus.

Non Board Games: Couch Game, Foosball.

We always celebrate holidays together: Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

Fall means campfires, S'mores, hot chocolate.

Everyone always hugs everyone when we say good-bye.

My favorite Shenanigans is when we eat a nice dinner, go out and do something physically active, then come back, get cleaned up and settle in for a funny movie, pizza, hot chocolate chip cookies and milk.  Shenanigans in our house can last from 1:30 - 10:30 p.m. 

List of things we have done for our Shenanigans:

1. Sand Volleyball
2. Big Pie in the Sky Pizza
3. Flag Football
4. Nick’s Shooting Range
5. Burt's Pumpkin Patch Farms / Bucks/ Amicalola Falls
6. Hike Red Top Mountain at night
7. 4–wheeling.
8. Nertz, ping pong bonfire,
9. Stone Mountain.
10. Bowling / Put up Christmas Tree
9. Dialogue in the Dark
10. Ice Skating
11. Super Cross Motocross at the Georgia Dome
12. Picnic
13. Tennis
14. Golf
15. White Water Rafting
16. Passion City Church
17. Rock Climbing
18. Salsa Dancing
19. Braves Game
20. Hot Air Balloon Ride
21. Sky Gym
22. Roller Skating & Laser Tag

Movies we have watched together as a family

(Note: We always watch movies on a ClearPlay DVD player which edits out sex scenes, cussing, and excessive violence. This way we can truly relax while being entertained, and not compromise the principles in God's Word, which tells us to guard our hearts.)  

1. Over the Hedge
2. Meet the Robinson's
3. Cars
4. Heroes
5. The Proposal
6. Monsters vs. Aliens.
7. Up
8. Inkheart
9. Book of Eli
10. Blindside
11. Fame
12. Dumb and Dumber

Future Shenanigans:
1. Girls go shopping in Acworth while guys watch football.
2. Go see Tyler in Birmingham
3. Horse Back
4. Zip Line Banner Mills
5. Paintball
6. Georgia Aquarium
7. Caving/Spelunking
8. Atlanta Zoo
9. Hang Gliding at Look Out Mountain
10. Bluegrass Underground
11. Zorb at Pigeon Forge
12. Medieval Times
13. Rodeo at Georgia Fairgrounds.
19. Go to a football game.
20. Hockey game
21. Dave and Busters
22. Rodeo
23. State Fair Sept. 23 – Oct. 3
24. Hike to Cabin at Amicalola Park.
25. Andretti Alpharetta
26. Horseback Riding Moonlight tour
27. White Water theme park.
28. Smoke On The Mountain

Cheering you on,
Captain Fun

Dying From the Inside Out

The Death of a Dream

Poor choices made by our children is not about THEIR relationship with God as much as it is about OUR relationship with God. Raising our children to serve God is everything. It’s our whole life. It’s the most important thing to us as moms. What do we do when we see our children making poor choices? How do we handle watching them reject what we have worked so hard to teach them their whole lives?

What does it mean when your dream dies? The Bible tells of the Shunammite Woman in 2 Kings Chapter 4: Elijah tells her she is going to have a son, which God fulfills her dream and gives her a son. One day that son/dream curls up in his mother’s lap and dies and there she is holding her dead dream in her arms. Elijah lays on top of him, and prays, and the son comes back to life. What is the point of that? Why put the woman through that exercise? Why did God choose to put the woman through the death of her son? It may be that if God gives us a dream and the dream dies, God may want to see what is more important to us - the dream or God, our children or Him?

God wants us to let go of our dream of godly kids. Why would God want us to let go of our dreams? Anything that we are not willing to let go of is an idol. Our children can become idols in our lives, which is a sin. Our role of motherhood can become an idol that defines us, rather than finding our identity in our relationship with Christ Jesus. We work so hard to make sure our children never have the opportunity to miss the high mark of living for Christ. We run all across town to avoid them going to public school. We drive junk cars so we can afford Christian education. We put aside our own desires for years so we can home school them. We make sure our children are at church every time the doors are open. We pay for youth camp, mission trips, and worship camps.

I am just now learning how to wait on God. What does that look like for me? Well, busyness ends as my role of mother, nurturer, taxi driver, chef, and all the many roles that come with the title “Mom”, that require so much of my time and energy cease to exist.

As I watched my child hurt, sometimes due to this fallen, sin-filled world we live in, I saw that other pain is caused by their own poor choices.  I spent some time hurting, just hurting. I lacked motivation to do much. I would spend time sitting in the living room, looking out the window praying, and thinking. Sleeping at night became more and more difficult.

After a season of just hurting, I started reading the Bible. No kid needed a ride. No kid needed a meal fixed. No kid needed my “awesome words of wisdom” (said sarcastically). No kid needed to be picked up from school or dropped off at school. I did not even bother to make a “To Do List”. It took a while, but the only way to describe it was that I was giving up. I was giving up on trying to make things different. I was dying. I was dying to the belief that I had the ability to change my child’s heart. I was dying to the lie that I was God in their life. I was dying to MY AMBITION, MY WILL, MY HOPES, and MY DREAM.

God could have spared me the pain of watching them make poor choices, but he didn’t. It was not about God and my child, it was about God and Me: my ambitions, my dreams, my misplaced sense of identity and value.

Anything that I am not willing to let go of is an IDOL and I am in sin. They went kicking and screaming up on the altar and now they were dead. I did not want to parent any more. I did not want to give anyone any advice ever again. I wanted to let everything go and rest in God alone.

I often would fall asleep listening to the Bible playing. It would help me get to sleep. My husband and I read the Bible together at night when he gets home from work and we pray together before we fall asleep at night. We pray every night for our children.

I am still in the stage of giving up, and dying, and reading God’s word and praying. However, as I laid my dreams at the feet of Jesus, He has picked them up. I have seen a change in the heart of my children. They are all serving God and living for him today, not because of anything I have done, all because of everything God has done. This story is to be continued. God has not yet shown me how the new me is going to live. As I die to the idol of my children, I live with less anxiety in my life. I am just now discovering what I have been missing all along.

The impact doesn’t happen when we are pursuing impact, the impact happens when we are pursuing God.

The most important thing is not my work; the most important thing is pursuing God. Hold everything loosely except God. When I was finally ready to put everything on the altar and become completely broken, admitting that I cannot fix things, it was then that He was able to rebuild me and my children stronger and better for his glory. I am here humbly declaring God’s sovereignty!